All these three victims of cheesy movies (the worst they can find) want this Christmas is to LEAVE.
Jonah Heston, Emily Connor and Joel Robinson plan an escape while seeing a terrible Lord of the Rings/Christmas hybrid called The Christmas Dragon. It turned out to be the perfect finish to a 13th season, and first as an independent streaming service. Thanks to this, and its 3-D show, it’s certain the Satellite of Love’s journey into bad cinema will continue. Joel confirmed this at a special showing outside Philadelphia.
Oh, and don’t worry about the ending. If the show forgets about Jonah eaten by a metal dragon in the middle of a wedding, they’ll ignore Kinga’s tragic turn and give her a break (darn it).

Thing is, Felicia Day made Kinga extra-evil this year. She is full of herself building a movie theater on the moon, and expecting it to be a hit. She cut off Jonah’s air supply when he refused to see the second reel of a bad movie called Munchie, and kidnapped Emily (which was a BIG mistake).
Relax, Felicia’s really nice, and will return according to her podcast. Also, Kinga’s under pressure from some “strange financier from the future” named Kabahl. At least he’s ready for the season:

So are Kinga and Max, who are excited to throw another lousy movie at all three test subjects this time. It’s Kabahl’s idea but not really, but still an interesting move. Both Servos and Crows also have to endure it.

The movie is about a girl who loses her parents after they’re burned by a dragon. This is after two people from some evil Lord wants to gather kids to work in the mines. Several years later, the girl, Ayden, is at an orphanage, and the Kid Nappers are still grabbing kids for mining work. She and several other kids escape, and they go on some quest to save Christmas. Some elf who got cut from The Hobbit gives Ayden a glowing crystal that could also be Father Christmas’ gallstone.

They meet some mandatory rogue named Ayrk (or Eric), who’s got secrets of his own. There’s also an elf named Saerwen, who gives enough exposition to almost give the movie a plot. They also meet a dragon sought by bounty hunters who look like Juggalos. The dragon comes in handy, while the kids hope the creators of How To Train Your Dragon don’t see the movie and claim copyright violations. Anyway, there’s also an orb that Ayrk stole because he wanted to save his mom. It can control time, and makes Santa or Father Christmas’ job easier. Amazing Kabahl doesn’t have something like that, but Safety Woman does.

Anyway, they do find Father Christmas near death, suffering from a real shortage of Christmas magic.
How to restore it? Well, they do his job

So Westeros or something celebrates Christmas after all.
This movie was made eight years ago, and it’s really obscure. One of the writers, Shylah Addante, has been a good sport about being an MST target. If nothing else, the movie may get a comeback. The show cut out a few chunks from the movie, and the full version may be better.

The Livestream version is a live taping of the showing of the season finale WITH laugh tracks! It’s like a live episode of Cinematic Titanic. If there’s another live tour, expect fans to demand a performance be taped for the public. Once the Livestream version is available to the public for download at the end of December, GET! IT! QUICKLY!

Oh, yeah, the escape attempt…
the only drawback is that they’ll leave the bots behind. Still, watching tedious films is just too much. They gotta go!
Uniting as an interesting country trio, they try MST holiday songs and the mid-90’s version of the show’s theme to get off the ground.

However, it doesn’t work, much to Kinga’s glee.

That is, until someone betrays her, because it’s in her nature…and she wants to meet Aaron Neville in 1991

This will be bad news for Kinga, and Mr. Future Money Guy cuts her off

But at least she…..uh-oh.
Still, the show will undo this ending, especially since Pearl and the test subjects might accidentally improve on the past. Ask Marty McFly.

NOW, it’s riff time.

Ayden hugs her family when they give her a kite for Christmas
Watch the leprosy.

Then as an orphan, she tries to enjoy the meal
The Orphan Garden. When you’re here, you’re still not family.

The kids enter a pub and get in the middle of a fight while saving Ayrk
Drinking age 21, life expectancy 16. So unfair.

Did the writer use a Tolkien word generator or something?

Ayden: “I can’t believe we came all this way for nothing”
Jonah, Joel and Emily: us too!

Then they get the dragon to deliver presents
They sleighed the Dragon.

There’s also riffs on Germany, GWAR, makeup in general, Fox News, Nick Nolte and GrubHub. It also makes a certain Paul McCartney song even less festive. Yes, that one.

One more thing: Patton not only plays Max, but a friar who tries to explain what Christmas is all about. He’s called a “Rick looking for a Morty.” Still, Patton looks a lot better than the friar in the movie. It’s the first time a Mad played two roles in one episode in more than 30 years.

While the season is over, the Gizmoplex is still open in 2023. It plans a festival of shorts next month, with two new shorts and a review of some classics. Expect Mr. B Natural to show up.
As for season 14, efforts to get that off the ground (at least better than Joel’s ship) will also start next month, Start saving up for the next Kickstarter, or subscription.
Either way, the saga continues…and maybe Kabahl will have a change of heart because the show is more popular in the future than he thought. It sure is popular now!

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