Now, everything changes.

It’s not enough Mystery Science Theater 3000 has brought back the enjoyment of insulting bad movies from the past, and added some interesting cameos. It has to create a serialized story about unrequited love, a need for attention, and a shocking ending.

This review takes a look at Wizards of the Lost Kingdom I and II and they ARE bad. They have several things in common, like a 13 year old boy expected to be a hero, an aging sidekick, terrible action scenes, even worse acting, and disturbing scenes of grown women seducing the boy-hero so they can help evil win. They also spend the first three minutes showing random scenes that likely have nothing to do with the movie, or barely do.

Before we recount the movies’ “plots”, the show starts with Max writing in his diary about his love for Kinga, maybe because she’s the only girl in Moon 13. He also talks about a weird key he found under a freeze dehydrator. He finds it opens the door of a Reptilicus Metalicus, who is now his new best friend. Will he use it to take over Moon 13, or do something even more unfortunate? Stay tuned.

The first “Wizards” movie is about Simon, the son of a wizard who loses a special ring that would have helped him battle the bad guys a whole lot sooner. Instead, he wanders the land with a white Chewbacca and an aging warrior named Kor played by Bo Svenson (who’s not in this picture).

They have to battle Shurka, a guy who has powers but also wears a crab on his head.

Anyway, the kid gets back his ring, beats Crab Head and wins the love of a princess who’s a slightly younger Carrie Fisher.

The second movie has a washed-up wizard being told by the ghost of another wizard he’s got to find a young boy who’s the Chosen One. That kid’s name is Tyor, and he’s a whiny kid. He’s supposed to get three items to help beat the three evil wizards that are oppressing everyone. David Carradine is here as the Dark One, also an aging warrior who has a bar and a wife whose dancing is a major revenue stream.

Tyor learns lots of things, and eventually beats the bad guys. How he does it is not important because the movie is that bad, even with the addition of a sexy female warrior.

Back at Moon 13, the SOL crew has some good host segments like a song Jonah sings to Crow about growing up. It’s a lot better than the movie. Also, Pearl (Mary Jo Pehl), Observer (Bill Corbett) and Bobo (Kevin Murphy) make a surprise return. Of course, they were hoping Kinga wouldn’t see them passing by.

It does give Kinga a chance to tell Pearl she wants to take over TV and have a family. Pearl doubts it, since she tried to get involved in Clayton’s experiment until he became a star baby at the end of the Comedy Central years. Well, Kinga still wants to marry, for ratings not love, and decides Jonah would be the perfect groom-victim. This plot will continue through the end of the season. It’s a surprising twist, but it’s also more proof that adding romance to the show just doesn’t work. Kinga may be doing it for ratings, but it’s really because she was dumped by the boyfriend she never met (up close, that is).

RIFFS:
Kor is about to go into battle
Prepare to face the wrath of Fat Sting

Simon gets a sword and kills evil soldiers through dumb luck
By the power of numbskull

In the second movie, Tyor tries to free an imprisoned prince guarded by an ugly beast
Miss Piggy’s gone feral

Donar, one of the evil wizards, threatens Tyor
He assembled his wardrobe out of Cher’s garbage

Next:  the worst movie of the season, which includes a “talking” chimp